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Forgiveness

January 28, 2008

Laura’s Blog Entry

As I look back over the psycho-ramblings I like to call my last two blog entries, I realize that they were a reflection of a insight about to happen. The insight came over the weekend. On Sunday when I finally started to feel better.

I have been in a bit of a funk about my lack of energy and motivation. Honestly it turns out it was yet another instance of FEAR rearing his ugly head and looking in my direction.

The last few winters I have had a bit of a draggy period in February March. I’m pretty sure now, after two years, that it is simply the effect of the cold, dark winter. Just when I think I can’t take it anymore, March hits, it warms up slightly, and the days get longer. And boom. I feel better.

Well, when I got this last bout of the plague, all I wanted to do was sleep. And then sleep some more. And that, my friends, equals huge amounts of GUILT.

GUILT that I should be getting something done, because I don’t have to go to a job and earn money so I better have something to show for my time each day.

GUILT that I should be so gratefully to be able to stay at home that I should bound out of bed each morning with a song in my heart and enough cheer to choke a horse. (How could cheer actually choke a horse, you may ask. I have no idea but I like that metaphor so I am not editing it out.)

GUILT that if I am not happy 24/7 I am somehow letting down all those people who wish they didn’t have to work and could also stay home. I don’t understand this one in the least. But I feel guilty about it. Really.

But that wasn’t the problem. It turns out the real issue was that along with that side of GUILT there was this huge entrée of FEAR. Here’s the bottom line:

I was really afraid that I was slipping into that low-energy-void again. And I wouldn’t be able to get out of it this time.

Yet again, I chose not to allow myself the care that I needed without paying the price of GUILT. I did what any self-respecting recovering-over-achiever-perfectionist does: I beat myself up.

Today I ran across this blog at the 43 Folders website. And it was written for me, I swear.

I didn’t know that I was pulling the hood of an old Ford truck off the pile, crawling under, and dying with my bootstraps on. But I was. That’s all. No big deal. The world didn’t end.

Thanks, Joel Johnson. And BTW, your Ford truck metaphor is much better than my choking-a-horse one. Totally.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. Joel permalink
    January 28, 2008 2:29 pm

    Man, that’s great to hear, Laura. Keep breathing!

  2. January 29, 2008 10:46 am

    I found this post after reading Joel’s wonderful post on 43 folders. You both are sincerely writing what’s in my heart as well. Thanks.

  3. January 29, 2008 10:59 am

    Joel, thanks for that! I will at least make an effort! Thanks to Gene also for your comment. I stopped by your blog, which I quite enjoyed! *adds Gene’s blog to her daily list*

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